Helpful Pointers
by Amilya Eclair Farron
Summary: You may or may not have this as your ideal dream job and let me tell you now that, should you find yourself in this position or something similar to this, that it is anything but fun and games. And so to help you survive, I'll lend you my notebook of helpful tips of what you should and shouldn't do. Oh, and my name's Brooke. It's nice to meet you. Now let's get started, shall we?


**Helpful Pointers**

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**o1: penguin likes his coffee black with two lumps and two lumps only**

That's the only reason why I got this so-called job of being the "secretary" of Team Penguin. (Egoistic there much, Penguin?)

As it turns out, this job originally belonged to Killer Moth. Not the secretary part so much, least I don't think, but ensuring the coffee was just how Penguin liked it was. And from what I was told, Penguin liked the coffee Killer Moth made.

That is… until he found out that he was adding in an extra three lumps of sugar to it.

**o2: killer croc is the only killer here in this group**

Moth is not a killer.

Killer Croc is.

So just call Moth "Moth", 'kay?

**o3: do not bet that ragdoll can****not**** bend this way or that**

Because _you will lose_.

And you will likely be scarred for life afterwards, too.

I know for a fact that I am.

Because he will force you to watch, especially if you're the one who started the whole betting affair. And his reason for it? He wants you to see with your own eyes that he's not cheating. I highly doubt that that's his reason.

And if you're curious about what it is that I betted he couldn't do…

Then I'll just let you in on a little secret:

Ragdoll's head can do a full three-sixty.

**o4: his alias is not "bee-man" or "lightning-bug" or "flashy the fly"**

All three of those so-called names are wrong.

His name is **Firefly**.

And to be fair, I don't see how anyone is able to get his name wrong. He's the arsonist of the group and commits arson so long as the price is right. It should be easy to remember his name because arson is setting stuff on _fire_ and he can _fly_ thanks to his fancy-schmancy jetpack. That and he's been doing this for a few years now.

**o5: it's not your job to make fun of moth's costume**

It's Firefly's _and_ Ragdoll's job to do so.

And trust me, they do a really really good job at making him feel like crap about it. You don't need to add in your two cents.

**o6: do not ask firefly to shave his goatee off**

I politely asked Firefly if he wanted me to go out and get him a razor in order to shave that goatee of his off. I mean, I thought he would want to shave it off and enjoy the feeling of a clean face.

His response?

"Sure, I'll shave my goatee… so long as you shave the hair off your head."

**o7: do not ask if penguin's a fan of **_**twilight**_

Because I already did.

Can you blame me, though? Just look at their group name! See my reason for asking now?

Anyway, not-so-surprisingly Moth's the only one who knows what _twilight_ is and he doesn't even know the answer to that; he then told me that I should respect Penguin regardless because "he is our leader" and whatnot.

…

Moth, you do know he's been using you as his errand boy and scapegoat, right?

**o8: ragdoll and captain hook have one thing in common**

They both have chronomentrophobia.

Now, you may be asking what that is if you haven't heard of it before and so I'll tell you: chronomentrophobia is a fear of clocks.

We all know the reason behind Captain Hook's phobia.

But Ragdoll's? … I'm not even sure I want to ask.

**o9: do not spray bug-spray when moth is around**

He will claim that you were trying to kill him.

And he will make a scene.

So just keep the bug-spray tucked away safe somewhere and break it out once Moth's left the building, all right? All right.

**1o: it's a given that they will be caught by the batman**

You don't need to point it out to them. They know, no matter how many times they deny that they will. And you pointing this out to them, to ANY of Gotham's villains, will only make them hate you a little more.

I wish I had the sense to know this bit when I first started. In a way, I should've. But I didn't.

I had to open my mouth that there was a chance that their next heist would have them end up back in either Arkham or Blackgate after they came back from another failed attempt of thievery.

For that, Penguin gave me a distasteful look and gave me a lecture of how "of course we won't get caught by the Bat" and "just for that, say goodbye to your paycheck for this month" for a total of ten seconds. Now, just to be clear: Penguin's lectures are never that short.

Guess you'll be thanking Killer Croc for setting that new record for you, eh Penguin?

Thankfully, Firefly has a soft spot for women (and it helps when the waterworks turn on) because he flew me to the nearest hospital so I could get my arm stitched up.

I avoided Killer Croc for the following two weeks after that.

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**AN**: Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it. :) If you'd like, please leave a review and a suggestion or two of what helpful hints you would like to see here. Or if you rather, you can drop a PM and tell me what you'd like to see. Either of those two will work. :) Thanks again for reading!


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